To Catch A Doctor
© by Seska

Summary:  Julian is pining after Leeta. Garak is lovesick. Julian suffers from PMS. Ziyal has a brilliant idea on how two bring the two boys together - and gets unexpected help from her father, Gul Dukat.

Disclaimer: Everything on Deep Space Nine belongs to Paramount Pictures. The storyline has sprung from my own vivid memories and sleazy imagination.

Notes:  Set somewhere toward the end of Season 5.  I am not a fluent Kardasi speaker, but I tried my best. As always I am indebted to Esther Schrager and Steve Nibbelink for their online Kardasi dictionaries.  Drop me a line if you liked my story. 

~ ~ ~

He was sitting in Quark's, resting his forehead on his arms. His eyes were burning. His head was aching. It had been his worst day in months. Everything had gone wrong, in the morning he had sold not one single item. Then his weekly lunch with Dr Bashir; as every time he would feast his eyes on this totally oblivious young man.  There, he was daydreaming again… 

About the man he had been in love with for so long. 
About the man he couldn’t take his eyes off. 
About the man with the most beautiful smile. 

The full length of his erection was already throbbing against the seam of his trousers. Groaning, he wanted to move his hand downward to ease the painful sensation. So painful…

…and there had been no meal. It was all the fault of Leeta, Julian's former lover. The Doctor had abruptly left as soon as he caught a glimpse of his old flame working the Dabo wheel. Guls, it had been a mistake to come here, they should have gone to the Replimat as always. The Doctor just got up without saying a word or sparing a glance for his Cardassian friend.

Now Julian came back, muttering to himself.  "…I am such a fool, I thought I was going on a dinner date with her tonight to patch up our relationship and now she tells me this!"  Exasperated, he didn't even sit down again. "Garak, I need to get back to the infirmary, I have to attend to my bacterial cultures." 

"Don't you want to eat?" Garak could see that it was pointless to argue. "Very well, Doctor."  He sighed and took a sip of his redleaf tea.  Rom arrived with Bashir's plate of couscous. 

"Oh, it's nice that finally after a whole hour you are gracing us with your presence." Julian gave the Ferengi a deadly look and shoved his way past him, almost knocking him over and sending the dish tumbling across the table.

"What's wrong with him?" Rom asked.

Garak silently took the plate. Just as Julian and Rom had left and he picked up his fork, Ziyal strolled over and flung herself onto a chair next to him. "And how are you today, how was lunch with Doctor Bashir?" 

// Splendid and now for a little cross-examination by my inquisitive half-Cardassian friend. //  "Oh, fine, my dear, fine..." His voice trailed off.

"You've been sitting here crying into your tea for the past hour!" she exclaimed. "Garak, when are you ever going to settle this?"

He started poking around in his food. "Because, Ziyal, you can't just walk up to someone and say 'oh, by the way, I've been lusting after you for years, how would you like to become my lover?’. To make things worse, he seems to be distraught over Leeta. Apparently, he still cares about her."

"But of course he does, they were together for two years. She's been in love with Rom ever since they broke up and he's still on his own. I thought by now you'd know how the minds of men work." 

The tailor chuckled. "And now he's in the infirmary working off his frustration on those poor bacteria." His laugh sounded forced. It was not easy for him to hide his emotions from this bright young woman, she wasn't as naïve as he had hoped. And she wouldn't stay out of this one.

"Listen, this is the perfect chance to cheer him up - and yourself.  Dr Bashir may be very appreciative at the prospect of taking a male lover. My father would certainly never let an opportunity like this pass him by."

"No, I think what is common practice in our society may be something he is not accustomed to, let alone understand." 

"You don’t know that, he's very well read on Cardassian culture. And he's young and quite open-minded."

All this talk about male lovers had a rather undesirable effect on his nether regions. Garak was still excruciatingly aroused. He knew that he had to find release soon - unless he wanted to increase sales by putting his erection on display. He stopped eating, somehow having lost his appetite. “It's not the right time, Ziyal."

"In the name of all five Goddesses, you've been pondering over this for years now. When do you think is the right time?"

"I'll think about it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get back." Bidding farewell, he pressed his palm onto Ziyal's, gave her a warm smile and made a swift departure.

~~~

Garak leaned against the wall panting, as the door whizzed shut. He had hurried back to his quarters, unable to bear this torture any longer. Barely able to make it to his bedroom, he kicked off his shoes. His hands had found their way down his trousers, to free his straining cock from its fabric enclosure. 

// This is ridiculous, to pleasure myself in the middle of the day. //

This matter was getting out of hand, Ziyal was right, he had to do – something – else he would lose his mind. 

His trousers came off with one movement. As he relaxed into the mattress, his mind drifted off to the Doctor’s smile, his full lips, his slender hands, dark brown hair like feather-light candy floss. How different he was from all the other men Garak had loved and yet...

Fingers traced his stomach, in the dark they could have been those of his beloved. He didn’t have to do much, just a few strokes down the shaft…

A cry escaped his lips as the warm fluid came spilling over his belly. Lying still for a moment, savouring the sweet feeling of exhaustion and lightness, he swallowed hard. He knew it wouldn’t last.

~~~

In the early afternoon the tailor shop was deserted. Ziyal was playing around with Garak’s scanner while he himself was contouring from a length of Lurian viscose, deep in thought. 

// …this luxurious soft fabric…if he let me unwrap his naked body from it, allowing me to kiss every uncovered inch of warm skin… //

"Doesn’t this whole situation drive you crazy?" 

He rubbed his face. She was already too interested in his agony over the doctor so he might as well take her up on her offer to help. "It does, his sudden ignorance kills me. Oh, Ziyal, I don't know what to do."

"You know what your problem is? You're just too shy," she took his arm and leaned over to him, "but - I have already been working on a cunning plan. After all, what have you got to lose?"

"Ziyal, I have quite a lot to lose, that’s why I don't need a 'cunning plan'."

"It's foolproof, Garak, trust me."

Just as he wanted to tell Ziyal to leave him alone with her so-called crafty ideas, Dr. Bashir stepped into Garak's shop. The tailor stared at him as if he had just seen an Algorian mammoth.  "I'm here to have my holodeck costume measured up. For the 'Three Musketeers' holoadventure…?" Julian raised his eyebrows, pursed his lips and started tapping his foot. 

"Oh yes, doctor, I must apologise. Bear with me while I just…" Garak disappeared to get his scanner.

For Julian it was a pretty ordinary fitting, the only thing the Doctor didn't understand was that as he was appreciating her beauty, Ziyal was giving him such a nasty look.  She was talking to Garak and he couldn't understand a word they were saying…

[Kardasi]
<si raduxt ga’i…This is the man you’re in love with, don’t forget. Now repeat after me:  ‘Dr Bashir, would you like to have dinner with me in my quarters tonight?’>
<Nu afs shedo…I can’t say that! It’s too obvious.>
<’shmar-vin-co…Of course you can, now go on.>
 

Julian was starting to feel uncomfortable. "I think there's something wrong with the universal translator."
 

[Kardasi]
<Ziyal…>
<she-do amro ta-gach!…say it again, to him. Tell him what you told me.>
<chir chuaye…I'll do it in my own time if you don't mind.>
<L’kesh-prim…Please, now's as good as any time.>
<afs-amru afs...You should never bring up this subject with a paying customer.>
 

“Garak, *what* is going on here??”

"I'm sorry, Doctor," Garak said entering the measurements into his padd, "the translator in my shop must be defective."

"Never mind, maybe your lovely assistant can interpret for me. I must say, Ziyal you look breathtakingly gorgeous in that dress."
 

[Kardasi]
<mel-drach vik-char-iv ri-shech…it's like teaching sheep to sing…totally useless. Just listen to him, he's obviously not interested in men at all. Looks like he's a walking arsenal of  hormones.>
<Nu afs …I can't believe you're so easily discouraged. Why don’t you recite something from the ‘Meditations on a Crimson Shadow’ for him, the Love Ode maybe?>
 

Julian could sense that something was brewing. "What is it with you two? What's going on?"
 

[Kardasi]
<Ayes …You will tell him how you feel before he storms out, you know how impulsive he gets.>
<an-im tar-vu…I’m happy the way things are, thank-you very much! To rush matters now would only make it worse.>
 

Finally Garak spoke to Julian. "I was just telling Ziyal that the taspar eggs at Quark's are especially delicious this week."

The young man tilted his head. "Somehow I find it hard to believe that you were talking about food…"

[Kardasi]
<Af-so, af-so!…No,no,no! Not like this, you fool!>
<chi-resh…What?>
<tar-vu!…Fine, spend the rest of your life in unhappiness then!>
<Lam afs…This is *not* going to work like this.>

The Doctor was slowly losing his temper. "Could you two please stop chatting in Kardasi, I find that extremely rude!"

Garak deliberately dropped his scanner and padd, then picked them back up for inspection. "I'm sorry, I'm afraid my tools have just been set out of action. There's nothing I can do anymore today. If you'd excuse me now." He disappeared into the back of the shop.

Now Julian was completely confused. "I can’t believe this! Ziyal, what is going on here??"

"Doctor Bashir, I think your fitting has just ended."

~~~

Garak was pacing his quarters.  "Foolproof, huh?  That was quite unnecessary, my dear. At least you could have told me why you wanted to disable the universal translator. If you had let me into your little secret before you set off to save my love life, I would have told you I prefer a more discreet approach."

"I'm truly sorry my plan didn't work. I know you don't want to hear this, but I have another plan."

Garak moaned, "Please, I've had enough of this…"

"This one's really going to work, because Leeta is willing to help…"

"LEETA!? What has she got to do with this?" Garak couldn't believe what he was hearing. "Ziyal, I am not prepared to include half the station into my personal matters, especially not the Doctor's former lover!"

"But she has a vested interest in pairing you off with the Doctor. It would get him off her back!"

Garak grumbled something and sat down. "I see…"

"Hang on a minute." The young woman went out onto the corridor outside the tailor's quarters. "Leeta? You can come in now."

Garak's jaw dropped. He had underestimated Ziyal; she seemed at least as shrewd and calculating as himself; the thought of which filled him with something like a hint of fatherly pride.

~~~

Leeta was diminishing her third piece of Moba Fruit Cake. "What you need to know about Julian, Mr Garak, is that very often his hormones wreak havoc with him. You have to catch him off guard in one of these phases. Can I have some more I'danian spice pudding, please?"

Garak carefully balanced a segment of pudding onto Leeta’s jam-packed plate. "Excuse me, did you say 'phases'?"

"And some more Jumja Tea would be nice. Yes, hormonal phases. He taught me a little bit about biochemistry when we were together. Well, the…ahem…important things anyway."

"I understand, Leeta. Now, tell me more about these phases." Garak came back with a steaming cup of tea.

"Thank you!" Leeta carefully took a sip of the hot drink. "It's a hormonal imbalance that occurs in many Terrans once a month, it's like a biorhythm. Actually," Leeta giggled, “I happen to be in one of those phases, too.”

“Yes, I was wondering about your rather healthy appetite…” Garak remarked.

"What's a biorhythm?" Ziyal asked.

Leeta put a hand on Ziyal’s knee and attempted to answer but was prevented from doing so by a large mouthful of spice pudding. 

"Later, Ziyal…" Garak intervened. “Leeta, how do I find out whether he is in this phase?"

Leeta continued eating while she spoke. "If you know someone well you can tell from his energy levels, the things he talks about, whether he moves slow or fast and so on. Mr Garak, I thought you used to be a spy…"

"My dear!" Garak didn't like the way this conversation was going. "Would you like to try some Larish Pie? It's a Cardassian delicacy…"

"Is there any more fruit cake? Mr Garak, you're one of his best friends. You of all people should be able to tell Julian's mood swings. Do you remember when I went to Bajor with Julian and Quark for the Rite of Separation. He made love to twice as many people than I did. And on the way back he was already talking to Quark about this Bolian woman he wanted to meet again next summer…anyway, where was I?"

"Yes, it appears that he is in an especially libidinous phase the way he has been behaving today. Thank you Leeta, you have helped me very much." Garak and Ziyal, like good hosts, looked on as she cleaned up her plate.  “Ziyal, a lot of things about our dear doctor make sense to me now," he said as turned to his young friend. "If he is currently in his phase, we have to act quickly. The only problem we have now is to introduce the topic in a discreet way."

~~~

Gul Dukat entered Quark's around dinnertime. There his precious daughter was with that miserable little toad, this traitor, who was once again busy sweet-talking his way into the poor little girl's mind. He slowly stalked up to their table. 
"Garak," he roared, "I see you’re having dinner with my daughter - didn't I tell you…"

The tailor raised his head. "Do you have a problem with that?"

Dukat was growling, the veins in his neck standing out prominently. 

Ziyal jumped up from her chair and grabbed her father's arm. "Please, no fighting! We can all behave like adults."

"Apparently he has problems with that. Dukat, you don’t intend on throwing me over the railing again," Garak taunted.

"Have a seat, Father."

Reluctant and still angered, Dukat let himself drop onto one of the chairs.  "If you are still hoping to bond with my daughter, I must warn you. If you do that I will have you assassinated."

“And that would be the…what, your seventh attempt on my life?”

"Father, when will you ever understand that Garak has no such intentions towards me. He is actually interested in someone quite different. I am merely trying to be a good friend."

"Ziyal, I don't think your father wants to hear about this..."

"Really, Garak is this true? On the contrary, I would very much like to hear about this." Dukat sniggered. "Your little friend here can't even get a lover without the help of a young inexperienced girl? I wonder what else there is that he can't manage on his own." 

"Dukat, there's no need to be so obscene in front of your daughter. Don't you have any dignity?"

"Father, please, this is a very serious business."

"And you my dear are helping him, how  - touching." As Dukat spat out the last word, the sarcasm in his voice made Garak flinch.

But then the Gul's face brightened up. “Wait a minute, this will mean that if you succeed you won’t constantly be seeing my daughter anymore!” He rubbed his hands. “Splendid, just splendid…I think I will have to celebrate this.”  And with this Dukat got up and disappeared into the crowd to get some more Cardassian Ale.

Just in that moment Julian strolled into Quark's, having finished his shift. He ordered some synthale and looked to see if he could spot any of his friends. On seeing Garak and Ziyal he felt a twinge of guilt about his rude departure at lunch, he decided to apologise to his tailor friend.

"Ziyal, Garak, mind if I join you?" Julian sat down at their table.

He had just settled down with his drink when Gul Dukat returned. "Oh, doctor what a pleasant surprise." 

Ziyal hissed. "I think it would be better if you left us alone now, Father."

"Oh, Ziyal you mean…Garak is pursuing him?" Dukat whispered. "No, my dear, for nothing in the world would I want to miss this."  The Gul pulled another chair up to the table. "I hope you don't mind, Doctor?"

"Why not, if you have a little time to spare." Julian didn't really mind Dukat's company as long as he didn't start an argument.

"I always have time for my Federation friends." Dukat grinned.

"So, how are you and your crew? I saw Damar earlier on. I had to seal his split lip, apparently he got into a fight with a Klingon." 

"Yes, he does have a bit of a temper, but he is a very good lover, very submissive, he'll do anything for me. I’m very pleased with my second in command."

Ziyal and Garak looked at each other in alarm and Julian almost choked on his ale. "Pardon me, did you just say 'lover'? But aren’t you married?"

"Yes and I have seven children - I'm sorry, my love," he said patting his daughter's hand, "I meant to say eight, that includes you of course - why are you asking, Doctor?"

"I assumed you were only attracted to females."

Dukat hooted with laughter. "I think your tailor friend here did not teach you very well about Cardassian culture."

Garak gave Dukat a nasty look. The last thing he needed was his archenemy putting him down in front of his friends.

"Please, Father, don’t start arguing. We all just want to have a drink together."

In the meantime Julian’s mind was working and he got more and more intrigued. ”And also, wouldn't that mean that you are committing adultery?”

Now Dukat was laughing even louder. "Doctor, your sense of humour is so refreshing."

"Faithfulness is not the subject of debate at the moment, Doctor," Garak interjected, "what Gul Dukat is trying to say is that it is just as fulfilling to have a lover of the same sex as being with somebody of the opposite sex, it's just a different kind of…pleasure."

Dukat fumed, "That's exactly what I was saying, you imbecile of a tailor. Don’t you dare…"

Ziyal tried to rescue the brewing confrontation. "Julian, my father takes great pride in pursuing his fellow officers until they give up resistance."

“Well spoken, my dear…” Dukat stroked his daughter’s cheek and smiled appreciatively at  her praise. 

But Garak couldn't help but make a snide comment. "Ziyal, there is something you have to remember