It's All Coming Back To Me Now 
by Keelywolfe  
Rating - PG 

DISCLAIMER: Star Trek:Deep Space Nine and its characters are copyright Paramount and no infringement is intended. So please don't sue me, I don't have any money anyway. 

This is an answer to the song challenge, the song being (of course), "It's All Coming Back to Me" by Celine Dion 

Questions, comments, Julian and/or Garak, naked and wrapped in cellophane to 
There were nights when the wind was so cold that my body froze in bed if I just listened to it right outside the window 
There were days when the sun was so cruel that the tears turned to dust and I just knew my eyes were drying up forever 

It was over. The Dominion collapsed, the war finished and Cardassia… Cardassia had fallen, finally, the last vestiges of her once proud heritage wiped away, its people suffering. 

Garak sat in a darker corner of Quark's, silently watching the celebration around him.  They had a right to be pleased, he supposed. The Federation was saved, ah yes.  For them all was right with the universe. But for him, for Cardassia… 

He knew that the Federation would help them. Of course they would, it had never understood the concept of crushing their enemies. And now Cardassia would have the milksop presence of the mighty Federation to help her to her feet. He sighed and sat back further in his chair, sipping the glass of kanaar that he just remembered he was holding. 

The Federation, sickly sweet, bubbly like the beverage that Quark had forced on him once, what was it called? Root beer -  that was it. Quark had said it grew on you, like the Federation grew on you, like…he paused in his reflections as his gaze fell on one person, one human sitting at the bar. Yes…like him. That beautiful, golden creature embodied all of what the Federation was: sweet effervescence, warm enthusiasm that…no. 

I finished crying in the instant that you left and I can't remember where or when or how and I banished every memory you and I had ever made 

He closed his eyes and ran a hand over his face. If there was one thing his exile had taught him, it was to leave the past in the past. No use worrying about what you could not change. Still…his gaze went unwillingly back to the young man at the bar.  Would it hurt, just once, to lower those barriers? He snorted contemptuously at himself. And what memories would he recall? He'd spent his childhood and most of his adult life trying desperately, hopelessly, to gain his fathers love and respect.  Barring that, he would have settled for acknowledgement at the very least. And what 
did that get you, Elim? A reluctant deathbed confession that had only been witnessed by himself and…No, he wouldn't, couldn't think about him, anything else. 

But when you touch me like this, and I hold you like that 
I just have to admit that it's all coming back to me 

What had he been thinking of? Ah, yes, his life. Garak sipped his drink, barely aware that he had done so. His life, partly wasted on Tain, partly on this wretched station, exiled from everything, coming here where he… 

If you want me like this and you need me like that 
it was dead long ago, but its all coming back to me 

Garak slammed the glass down. Did everything come back to him? He closed his eyes so he wouldn't be tempted to look again, to see him laughing and flirting, that warm smile, that golden skin that for just a short time he'd gotten to touch; just briefly he had been allowed to possess it. 

So short that no one else on the station had even known. And how had it ended? 

But you were history with the slamming of the door,  
and I made myself so strong again somehow  

With harsh words and harsher actions. 

And I never wasted any of my time on you since then  

Better to just forget. He'd pushed it away before, he would do it again. It was better that it had ended when it had. They were too different, too alien to each other. But, just for a time, he'd touched that incredible creature. He squeezed his eyes tighter, trying to block those memories that were coming regardless. 

He had had that passion, that enthusiasm, in his hands, wrapped around his body.  And such passion! 

There were moments of gold  
and there were flashes of light  

His hand tightened on the glass, close to breaking it, as he was flooded with remembrance. Of soft long fingers stroking him in ways that had never been done before. Unfamiliar tastes and textures that he quickly adjusted to, even craved. 

There were things I'd never do again  
but then, they'd always seemed right  

Such things that they had done! That beautiful young human had more than matched his strong Cardassian libido, exhausting even him. 

There were nights of endless pleasure  
it was more than any laws allowed  

He shook his head, suddenly notice the glass that was nearly cracking under the pressure of his hand. He relaxed his grip, gathered his rampaging thoughts. It had almost been worth it, to taste such ardor even once. 

If I kiss you like this, and if you whisper like that  
it was lost long ago, but it's all coming back to me  

Reluctantly, his gaze drifted back to the object of his thoughts, now sitting with Ezri.  The young Trill was laughing; perhaps at something her companion had said.  Garak felt his stomach tighten with jealousy and he scolded himself mentally.  It had been his fault, his decision to end it. Hadn't it? And they'd managed to be almost civil to each other after a time. They'd even had lunch together, not alone, but… 

When you see me like this, when I see you like that  
then we see what we want to see, all coming back to me  

He raised a trembling hand to his face. Just who was he trying to fool? He'd blamed it on Julian, but hadn't it been his fault as well? For that matter, had it been Julian's fault at all? He'd forced himself to forget, refused to acknowledge the memories, denied that the fault was his own.  Hadn't he refused to change?  Expected everything to be his way or no way, never compromising, how had he expected Julian to react? 


It was gone with the wind  
but it's all coming back to me 

He covered his face with his hand; the pressure behind his eyes seemed unbearable.  How could he have allowed himself to forget that last argument, the things that he had said as he'd stormed away, the tears, Julian's tears, running down those smooth cheeks as he silently watched his lover depart, leaving him completely alone. 

The flesh and the fantasies all coming back to me  
I can barely recall, but it's all coming back to me now 

All of it, his fault. 

"Garak?" And when he didn't respond, more softly, "Elim?" But he refused to look, knew it wasn't really him, just a dream brought on by memories and too much kanaar.  Really, what had a beautiful young man with the galaxy at his fingertips seen in an old, foolish exile anyway? 

And then the dream reached out and gently touched the tailor's arm. Garak gasped, jerked his hand down and found himself looking straight into concerned hazel eyes. 

They stared at each other and Garak was painfully aware that everything he was feeling was showing clearly on his face; pain, guilt, fear…and love. He'd dropped his shields, left himself vulnerable while he remembered and he had neither the time nor the energy to resurrect them. All he could do was stare into those soft, expressive eyes, ones that he had never quite allowed himself to admit that he still dreamed about. 

Julian drew back slightly, eyes widening, but he didn't pull away. The question in his eyes slowly changed to realization, and Garak closed his own eyes before that emotion could turn to compassion. There were many things he wanted from this young man, much that he would accept, but pity was not one of those things. 

Again, softly, plaintively, "Elim?" 

He reluctantly looked again into that intense gaze and his own eyes widened at what he saw. Not pity, not disgust, but something else. 

If you forgive me all this  
if I forgive you all that  

A warmth that he had never expected to see again. 

We forgive and forget  
and it's all coming back to me, now  

Garak just stared, not daring to believe that after all this time, after all that had happened, his Julian would still love him. 

It's all coming back to me now  

His Julian. 

And when I touch you like that 

That his Julian could smile at him so tenderly, so understandingly. 

It's all coming back to me now 

That Julian would gently cup his cheek with those fingers that he had been fantasizing about only moments ago, and wipe away the tears that Garak hadn't even known were there. 

If you do it like this 

And that Julian would bring his other hand up to trail along the line of his jaw. 

It's all coming back to me now  

And that his Julian would lean forward, so close that he could feel that sweet breath against his own lips. 

And if we… 

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