Changes, Lies and Fears
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Lies and Fears [(<~
love that I'm feeling?
the love that I've been searching for?
love or am I dreaming?
be love, cause it's really got a hold on me
love?" Whitesnake "Greatest hits" 1994
deeply. Sitting by a table at Quark's, waiting around for Garak to show
up was not what he had intended to do with this day. Yet that was exactly
what he was doing with one of his precious days off. Far too many days,
weeks - even months had gone by while not seeing the tailor. Sometimes
Julian wondered if it was by choice on Garak's part. Or was it simply the
horrors of the war, the extra burden that the translation of Cardassian
transmissions was, that took up so much of the tailor's time? Did Garak
actually not have the spare time to meet him for lunch or even drop by
the infirmary for a quick talk? Was that indeed all there was to it?
admitted to himself how much he missed the lunches, the talks and the mutually
satisfying arguments. He missed the gentle smile on Garak's face. He missed
the soft, rumbling tones of his friend's voice as he was trying to prove
a point without appearing too harsh. Julian leaned back in his chair and
wondered when everything had gone wrong. Was it his fault? Had the tailor
revealed his long-hidden secret and decided to stay away?
back on the past couple of years, trying to decide when everything had
changed between them. Had he done something to push Garak away? He had
been so hurt when Garak had betrayed them. How could he have tried to blow
up an entire planet while Julian, Sisko and Odo were still on it? Back
then he had seen that as a sign that Garak didn't care about him and it
had been a while before Julian had realized that it really didn't matter.
Garak would have died too. He had been willing to sacrifice their lives
in order to save Cardassia, Bajor and the entire Federation. In retrospect
he realized that perhaps this would have been for the best. The Dominion
had murdered billions of people by now... He had forgiven Garak for that,
and he even found he understood why the tailor had tried to do it even
if he hadn't at the time. But had he ever let Garak know that in so many
words? Had he ever told his friend how much he appreciated him? So much,
in fact, that he kept a very big part of himself a secret from him?
there was Ziyal. Had the tailor never understood how hurt he had been when
Ziyal began taking up more and more time in Garak's life? Julian winced.
Perhaps it was his fault after all? He had taken a step back then, thinking
that if being with Ziyal was what Garak wanted, then he - Julian - would
not stand in the way of that, but had he really been that unselfish? Hadn't
he really been jealous? Hadn't he hoped that Garak would come to him and
ask why he didn't want to be his friend anymore? Hadn't he really acted
like a jealous schoolboy trying to prove that he didn't care that his best
friend played with other friends as well? And all the while he had been
agonizingly, painfully jealous at finding out that there were actually
others who were beginning to view Garak as a friend and an ally? Hadn't
he really hated the fact that he no longer held Garak's undivided attention?
deeply. He knew this was the truth, but to be quite brutal in his honesty,
this was the first time he had admitted it to himself.
"Can I get
you something, Doctor?" Quark's ingratiating voice asked just behind him.
Julian started at the sudden intrusion in his moody musings.
Quark," Julian answered, much to his own surprise. "I'd like a plate of
rak'th and a glass of water please."
Doctor, but the programming for rak'th was taken off the replicators last
night," Quark said. "Nobody ever orders that stuff but you and Worf and
it isn't good for business."
eat that distasteful Klingon food anyway, Doctor," Garak's smooth voice
interrupted and Julian's head shot up reflexively. Oh, how good it was
too see his friend again.
he couldn't help but exclaiming with a voice that revealed all the joy
he felt at seeing the tailor. He wondered if anything else could be read
on his features at that moment? Could Garak see the longing? Could he see
the feelings he had tried so hard to hide for so many years?
if I'd known you would greet me so enthusiastically, I would have shown
up much sooner," Garak smiled and Julian felt his heart skip a beat. That
smile. Gods, how he had missed that smile. He smiled back widely. Never
before had he longed so much to kiss Garak as he did that very moment.
He smiled warily. What would Garak do?
would like to join me for lunch?" Julian said hopefully, and he was ashamed
to hear his voice tremble at the invitation. Garak's steady blue gaze was
trained on him intently and Julian felt his heart sink at the negative
response he saw there before the tailor even opened his mouth.
"I am sorry,
Doctor, but I have a previous engagement. I will have to take a - rain
check?" Garak lifted his eyebrow at that last statement as if seeking reassurance
that he had used the phrase correctly.
how about tomorrow?" Julian asked, trying not to show his disappointment.
The longing in his chest withered away and turned to ashes as he stood
there. That hope was in vain. How could he have forgotten that?
face looked somber, and he shook his head. "I'm afraid, Doctor, that I
have a busy schedule before me. Let me get back to you on this."
deeply and nodded. There was nothing he could do about it. Garak was busy,
and he didn't seem too eager to rearrange his schedule to make it possible
for them to meet either. Julian bit his lip as he watched Garak's sturdy
form leave him and move to another table further into Quark's. He couldn't
help but stare curiously at Garak's dinner companion and felt his heart
shrink at the sight of the Cardassian leaning forward to kiss a young human
on the cheek. Garak's hand rested lightly on his dinner companion's hand
in a very intimate gesture. Julian knew his eyes widened in surprise as
he saw the familiarity the two displayed. It was obvious that they were
more than friends. What startled Julian more than anything was the fact
that the person sitting opposite Garak was a young human male. Julian rose
from the table and began to walk away. He had completely forgotten Quark
who was still standing patiently observing him. He was totally stunned
by what he had seen, and needed to get away.
Aren't you going to order?" he said.
I just lost my appetite."
thing he heard as he left Quark's was the sound of the Ferengi's irritated
hands were sweaty and trembled as he moved through the corridors back to
his quarters. He tried to keep the thoughts at bay as he made his way there,
for he did not know what he would do once he became fully aware of what
had just taken place in Quark's.
reached his destination, he slipped in quickly and moved to the couch where
he slumped down in a tired heap. He couldn't believe this. In all this
time, he had never suspected. Oh gods, why? Why hadn't he simply asked?
Why hadn't he tried to find out the truth? Instead he had been walking
around second-guessing the tailor for ages. Was Garak attracted to men
or was he not? Was he or was he not attracted to him - Julian? And now
it was too late. Garak had obviously found someone else who cared about
him. Julian's chest tightened and he buried his face in his hands. Oh,
god it hurts, he thought. It hurts more than I had ever imagined.
He knew why he had never asked those questions. It was because he had been
afraid, for many reasons. What if he and Garak became more than friends?
What would the captain think? Julian was not so naive as to think that
Captain Sisko would be bothered by the fact that he revealed he was bisexual.
No, he had been afraid of what Sisko - and Starfleet - would have thought
if he got involved with a Cardassian. However, Julian was honest enough
to admit to himself that this wasn't the whole truth. He was scared for
other reasons. He knew almost nothing about Cardassian sexuality. What
he did know was the information he had gotten from the few and far between
romantic or erotic scenes described in the books that Garak had forced
him to read. He had tried to find more information but never came across
anything really useful. And asking Garak was something he had never been
able to bring himself to do. He had wanted to, oh yes, many times. And
yet, this too, was only part of the truth. What he had been most afraid
of was that Garak would reject him if he ever crossed that line they had
set up between them. He was afraid that he had misunderstood Garak's flirting,
and that it was simply the Cardassian's way. He had tried to observe his
friend among others and come to the conclusion that Garak had a way of
flirting with almost everyone.
a subtle innuendo behind every word and phrase the tailor uttered, which
made Julian decide that he wasn't special to Garak in any way. How many
were the times he had felt hope flare in his chest and thought, maybe,
just maybe he feels the same, only to realize in the next moment that Garak
treated Ziyal the same way... that he treated Sisko the same way?
This was just the Cardassian's personality. Plus there was the unavoidable
fact that Cardassia and Cardassians did not look kindly upon same-sex relationships.
He had been afraid to drive the tailor away if he had told him the truth
about himself. Julian swallowed, all this time it seemed Garak had the
same needs and wants as Julian did. Garak's actions today spoke louder
than words. Was perhaps Garak's sexuality one of the reasons for his exile?
Julian sighed. He was there all along and now it was too late.
another reason he hadn't approached Garak. He had felt like they had all
the time in the world. He felt like he had all the time in the world to
make himself feel safe with Garak, to make sure he wouldn't be making a
mistake. Sure he had suspected on more than one occasion that Garak was
flirting with him, and he had flirted back, but it had never gone beyond
that. Now it appeared that Garak had tired of him, both as a friend and
potential partner. Perhaps Garak had never even realized that Julian was
attracted to him?
Julian muttered to himself. "For once I might have been really successful
in hiding the truth from Garak...." Garak had now found himself someone
else, someone more receptive to his advances. Julian leaned back in the
couch and covered his eyes with his hands. "What a day, what a fucking
horrible day!" he groaned.
busy the following days. He refused to give in to his desire to go see
Garak, to plead with him to have lunch together. For several reasons really,
he admitted to himself. One was that he was afraid he would give himself
away now that he realized that he might actually have had a chance with
the tailor and missed it. Also because he was afraid it would hurt too
much. The realization that Garak was seeing someone else on a regular basis
made Julian's thoughts go where he had never allowed them to go before.
himself contemplating on more than one occasion what it would be like to
be kissed by Garak. Dreams, like nothing he had ever dreamed before haunted
him. He was full of remorse and regret. Why hadn't he tried harder to find
out the truth about Garak before? If Garak had indeed found someone who
really loved him now, Julian was sure that he would not let go easily.
Garak! How is it that you've found someone else right under my nose and
I haven't even seen it? Have you been spending your lunches with this man
for a long time? How did you meet? Who is he? Are you sure that he isn't
only after your knowledge of the station and the war?
dryly at himself. If anyone could take care of himself it was Garak. Why
did he even bother worrying about him? Garak was a former Obsidian Order
agent, the son of Tain. He could take care of himself. He didn't need Julian
to baby-sit him.
Julian realized. I am so jealous I could scream!
are you simply going to sit here, waiting for Garak to run off with someone
else without a fight? Isn't it about time you let him know how you really
feel about him? Isn't it about time you stopped playing these childish
games and matured? Isn't it about time you swallowed all the fears you
harbor inside and went for it? No pain no gain... if you aren't willing
to risk anything, you'll never win his heart.
up ramrod straight in the chair behind his desk in the infirmary. Who was
to say that it wasn't too late already? Who was he to believe that he had
anything that Garak wanted anymore? Had Garak ever wanted him? Garak had
found someone that he obviously cared very much about and who was he to
barge in on that, demanding attention?
like he really needed someone to talk to and once more pain at the loss
of Jadzia Dax coursed through his veins. He hadn't cried over Jadzia, it
seemed at the time like the loss of her was to great to be able to cry,
and now? Now she had been gone for such a long time it no longer seemed
appropriate to grieve her. Ezri Dax had come into their lives and in a
way she had replaced Jadzia, and still... still he missed Jadzia so much.
Julian closed his eyes and wondered if he needed to take a leave, maybe
he needed to get away? He was an emotional wreck. It seemed as if the last
year had been too full of happenings, leaving him unable to sort through
them and Julian finally realized he had no one left to talk to about it.
Garak and Jadzia had always been the ones he really confided in. Jadzia
was dead and Ezri... maybe he could talk to Ezri? Julian swallowed. Was
he ready to let someone else know what turmoil of emotions and insecurities
his insides were?
he speak to Miles? Julian shook his head before the thought formed in his
mind. Miles would never understand. In some ways the Chief was very conservative
and the mere thought of admitting to Miles that he wanted more than friendship
from Garak - the Cardassian - made Julian wince. He watched the chronometer.
It was still quite some time before his shift was over and he tried to
concentrate on the calculations he was working with, but his mind kept
wandering. He thought about the first meeting with Garak and the instant
attraction, but also the immediate fear he had felt that first day.
he had barely been able to admit to himself that he was attracted to the
tailor, much less do anything about it. Years of yearning had gone by,
when he had finally admitted the truth to himself, but no one else. Now,
when he was finally ready to do something about it and when he finally
realized that the attraction might once have been mutual, it was too late.
I do, Ezri?" he asked, a couple of hours later as they were sitting in
his quarters, sharing dinner together. He had been very candid. He had
explained to Ezri that he needed her professional help, but now that they
sat there, eating, he realized that he wanted friendship as well, but the
look on her face wasn't exactly friendly.
rather typical of you Julian, and I think it is very selfish. I thought
you had grown up and matured over the last few years. Jadzia was very impressed
with you and the way you acted."
Julian said dryly and felt the pain at Ezri's blunt words. He knew she
was right. He shouldn't be doing this now. It was selfish of him to want
to mess with Garak's life now that he might finally have found some happiness.
But he was selfish, he wanted Garak for himself.
she was always appalled at the way you treated Garak. He loved you. It
was obvious in every gesture, every time he looked at you or talked to
you. His passion for you was so evident to all of us, and you kept stringing
him along like a puppy dog on a leash. Giving him hints of what it could
be like. Now when he finally has found someone whom he can actually count
on to be there for him and share his feelings, you decide to do something
all blood leave his face. Garak, had Garak felt that way about him? "I
never realized..." he began.
grew warmer and she reached out to take his hand in hers. "Are you telling
me that you actually never saw his devotion to you? Are you trying to tell
me you never felt the sparks flying in the air between the two of you whenever
you were together? Are you saying that you never saw the hunger in his
eyes or that you weren't aware of the feelings you have for him too? Jadzia
always believed that you kept him at arm's length because you were afraid
of what it would do to your career."
from the chair.
"No, I never
did realize he felt that way about me! I never even realized just how much
I truly care about Garak until recently. Now I find that I might be losing
him and I finally really understand my own feelings...." Julian began,
and then he fell into a long speech about his fear of Garak's sexuality,
of his fears of ruining their friendship and the fear he felt of being
rejected. "I never realized that he had those strong feelings for me, Ezri,
I promise you. Isn't that the way it always works? The object of affection
is always the last to find out? Why didn't he ever say anything do you
think? If it was so obvious to you that I loved him when I hardly knew
it myself, how could he not have seen it? Because he was just as blind
as I was, I would guess. "
from the chair too, "You're right of course, Julian. I guess Jadzia only
saw this from his viewpoint, because she knew how lonely he is. But in
retrospect I realize you were just as alone..."
do I do?"
you should find out what you can about this man that Garak is seeing, try
to talk to Garak and find out if this is serious or just a fling. If he
does still love you, you'd better not back away when he finds out how you
feel about him... that way you'll lose him forever."
how many times I've thought that I wanted to find the right woman to make
a future with, failing time and time again and eventually realizing that
the person I really love has been right in front of me all the time and
I haven't seen it. It's quite unsettling, Ezri..."
"Yes, I know..." she said and gave him a long look. "It's even worse realizing
you had more than one chance to do something about it and let it slip through
your fingers. Jadzia never showed you how much she really loved you because
she knew how you feel about Garak... She never wanted to get in the way
of that. I hope that you get your second chance, Julian."
a deep sigh as he saw Dax leave his quarters. He felt completely numb.
He never realized... He swallowed hard. Was he really that blind?
back on the couch and rested his head in his hands again. The tears finally
rose in his eyes and he started crying. Ezri was a sweetheart for telling
him, but the truth did hurt. Knowing that Jadzia had held back because
she knew how he felt about Garak finally gave him the opportunity to mourn
the woman who had been such a good friend, and whom he had loved so dearly.
She had known they could never have been together because someone else
had already captured his heart.
why didn't you ever tell me? Why didn't you make me see the truth?"
he have believed her?
Julian didn't sleep very well and he kept thinking back and forth about
what to do with his life. So much had happened lately. The war, Jadzia's
death, his enhancements had become public knowledge, the Section 31 business...
and now this. What should he do about his feelings for Garak now that he
had finally acknowledged them and the tailor seemed to have replaced him?
Hearing Ezri's words inside him made him feel only slightly better.
telling me you never saw the devotion he had for you?"
it was too late?
eating his lunch all alone in the Replimat when he saw Garak and his lover
enter, and sit down by a table quite secluded. Garak's eyes were shining
with tenderness and the human sitting right next to him leaned forward
to kiss Garak squarely on the mouth. Garak kissed back quite enthusiastically
and Julian felt the jealousy and arousal fight to get a firm hold over
him. He closed his eyes, captivated by the sight and hurting, both at the
moaned. Oh, gods, he thought, if only I could be the one... feeling those
gray, wonderful lips press against mine. I want to be the one producing
that look on Garak's face. It was a look of pure delight, tenderness and
love. Julian winced and pulled his eyes away from Garak to watch the human.
He frowned. It was something familiar about that man. Julian kept staring
for several minutes. The man sitting in front of Garak was rather good-looking.
He was lithe, his skin had a golden hue much like his own. His hair was
brown to the point of being black. He seemed to have hazel brown eyes,
and his face was triangular. The more Julian looked, the more he realized
that this young man was familiar because he resembled someone. The young
human had a striking likeness to - himself.
of it? Julian asked himself and tried to fight off the hope. That only
tells you that Garak is attracted to men who look a little bit like yourself.
That doesn't mean he's willing to leave this man to be with you...
he realized that Garak was watching him, and Julian was taken aback by
the look on the tailor's face. It was bland, almost indifferent, and Julian
pulled his gaze away, more hurt than he would care to admit. What was he
going to do? Was it best if he just tried to forget Garak? Julian swallowed.
He knew that would be impossible. He lifted his hand to his head and pushed
the hair out of his eyes. Then he turned his face to catch another glimpse
of Garak. This time he caught an entirely different expression from the
tailor's eyes just before Garak averted his gaze. This look was filled
with longing and passion. He gasped. Or was he mistaken? Perhaps Garak
had simply been thinking about his companion? Julian realized he had to
get out of the Replimat before he would do something to embarrass himself.
Never before had he realized how much he wanted to Garak to look at him
exactly that way. That single look from Garak's incredible eyes had made
all blood rush to his groin, rendering him hard as a rock and he was not
about to show anyone what state he was in. Julian kept watching the couple
for another few seconds and then he rose from the chair and left the Replimat
without looking back. He returned to the infirmary well before his lunch
hour was over and he slipped into the back.
Garak, this is driving me insane..." he whispered to himself as he closed
his eyes and sat down on one of the biobeds. He had never before felt such
a strong and sudden pang of desire for the Cardassian, especially not in
public, like that. Was it because he now knew that the tailor was attracted
to men as well? Was it because now he could finally allow himself to think
about Garak in a sexual way, something he hadn't really allowed himself
to do before? Was it because of those dreams that had haunted him for several
nights now? He didn't know, but he could not just forget about Garak and
if the first look the tailor had given him was anything to go by he was
not interested any more - if he had ever been, but if the second look had
been meant for him...
himself harden even more at the thought of those beautiful eyes. They had
sent him a look of pure lust, pure hunger... Julian moved his hand down
between his legs to stroke his erection through the fabric of his clothes.
He was so hard now he knew he would have to do something about it. He rose
to his feet and went inside the room where he sometimes slept when he was
on call, then he locked the door and pushed the coverall down. Swiftly
he let his painfully hard member out of his confining briefs and it bounced
into the air. Then he sat down on the spare bunk standing there.
Elim... if you only knew..." he moaned as he moved one of his hands down
to cup his balls and took a firm hold of his shaft with the other. He was
harder and larger than he could remember being for a very long time. As
he started touching himself, he imagined that Garak was there with him,
being the one who was caressing him. Those strong, warm, gray hands moving
up and down his erection. He hardly needed to touch himself, he simply
imagined Garak's gray lips closing around him and that was enough to rapidly
send him over the edge. "Oh, gods Garak," he almost whimpered as he came
with forceful waves of pleasure coursing through his body. When he composed
himself a little he finally admitted the truth aloud.
you, I want you, I want you so much."
a sudden twinge of regret. Whatever happened after this, his friendship
with the tailor was over.
that man come from?" Julian asked and Quark just stared at him.
is valuable," he said greedily and kept drying off the glasses and putting
them away neatly in the slots behind the bar.
Julian groaned. He had made sure he brought a healthy amount of latinum,
knowing that Quark would never give him the information he needed without
being sufficiently 'encouraged'.
let's see how much this information is worth to you, Doctor," Quark said.
"I take it you have finally admitted the truth to yourself and now you
want to get rid of Garak's new love interest?" Quark smiled widely and
leaned over the counter as if to say something very personal. "You know,
I think love and jealousy can be quite the incentive. Four slips of latinum
to tell you who this man is and what he is doing at the station."
jaw dropped and didn't manage to reply.
Doctor, I am a bartender, what more is - I am the bartender at the place
where you and Garak have shared your meals for years. Don't insult me by
insinuating that I don't have the lobes to realize what is going on."
everyone knew what was going on except him - and possibly Garak. Julian
closed his mouth and said. "I want to know where this man comes from, who
he is, what he is doing here and how long he will stay here. I also want
to know how long he has known Garak and the nature of their relationship
and I want to know what Garak feels for him..."
another thing altogether. To be able to give you that much information
I would have to do some research and talk to some of my resources. I might
even have to put Garak under surveillance for a couple of days. That is
no easy task I assure you. Someone highly skilled would have to be trusted
with that particular endeavor. That will cost you a lot more than a few
strips of latinum..."
Julian nearly growled. He had four bars of latinum to use on this, and
then he would be left pretty broke.
of gold pressed latinum now..." Quark watched him intently and Julian did
what he could not to reveal anything about how that sum made him feel.
"... and two more when I give you the information I cannot give you right
Julian said harshly. "You know that no 2 days work is worth that much.
I'll give you ten strips of latinum now and ten more when you're done."
ludicrous, Doctor. We both know the information is worth a great deal more
than that to you, and Garak is not an easy man to follow around... it might
even be life-threatening..." Quark said with a greedy gleam in his Ferengi
bargaining for another couple of minutes until they had settled on two
bars of latinum. One now and one when Quark delivered all the information
Julian had requested.
said Julian, "But you better make sure that none of this reaches Garak's
ears until I am sure about what to do. Now tell me all you know about this
human," and he handed over the bar of latinum for Quark, who greedily snatched
it out of his hands and tucked it away in his suit.
this man is 36 earth years old and his name is Ricardo Berlioz. He was
born in a city named Madrid. He is a freighter captain and has been shipping
supplies from Earth do Deep Space Nine over the last two years. He and
Garak met here in my bar about three months ago. It was one of those Single's
Night Out and they hit it off right away I believe. Berlioz is leaving
the sector in a couple of weeks though and I doubt he'll be back for another
Garak had met this man three months ago? That meant it wasn't just a one-night
stand, but the beginnings of a true relationship. Julian was not surprised
at the pain in his chest at that realization.
days Julian had so much work to do with an outbreak of Chinese Influenza
that he actually managed to put the thoughts of Garak and the man he was
seeing to the back of his mind. Ezri dropped by to offer her sympathies
and help in counseling some of the patients, who were suffering badly from
the flu. It seemed this particular influenza strain had a very strong effect
on Bajorans, so both Major Kira and some of Odo's deputies had to stay
under continuous surveillance until they were through the worst of it.
And Major Kira was not a patient that Julian was enjoying having in his
I get to leave this hoddible dubp!" she spat angrily with feverish eyes
and her beautiful pale skin covered with an itching rash that the flu produced
only in Bajorans.
another couple of days I'm afraid," Julian repeated patiently. It was about
the tenth time today that she had asked that very same question of him.
He was pretty sure she had asked others of his staff the same question,
in the hopes that they would be more forthcoming. She was getting better,
but he wanted to keep an eye on her for another day.
A few days
later, when the worst of the flu had finally passed, Julian was totally
drained. He was about to ask Quark to leave him alone when the Ferengi
showed up at the infirmary as he was ready to go home for some sleep.
you want, Quark?" he groaned irritably.
my promises, Doctor," Quark insisted. "And I told you I would have the
information you needed within a couple of days. Well here I am. If you
do not wish to have the information anymore I don't care. You have purchased
my services. I have delivered and you have to pay!"
Julian yawned. "Would you mind walking with me? I am ready to fall asleep
where I stand."
Where is the latinum?"
is in my quarters," Julian said and moved towards the corridor leading
to the area of the station where he lived.
I'll just have to trust you then," Quark said suspiciously as he followed
Julian through the station.
ever tricked you before Quark?" Julian said with a hurt look on his face.
"I don't have a reputation of not holding up my end of a bargain on the
station, now do I?"
admitted and seemed to make a decision. "Okay, so here's what I found out....
Ricardo Berlioz is a freighter captain, that is true, but he is also an
actor. He apparently takes 'real life roles' from time to time, playing
characters that his customers require of him." Julian nearly stopped dead
in his tracks and Quark had his undivided attention. Quark smiled and leaned
closer as he whispered. "My source also tells me that Ricardo and Garak
never socialize privately. It seems to me that Garak is only putting up
a show for someone's benefit... I wonder who that could be?"
heard the last sentence. Suddenly the tiredness that had weighed so heavily
on him all but dissipated. He turned around to run to Garak's shop right
What about my payment?" Quark shouted after him. Julian stopped running.
Sure, Quark would have his money, and he would not run off to Garak's shop
like a lovesick puppy dog. No, he would do this right. He had to do this
right. He owed it to both himself and Garak...
to Quark and went into his quarters and pressed a bar of latinum in the
you'll excuse me... " Julian said and all but pushed Quark out of his quarters.
I have something you might find useful..." the Ferengi began and pulled
something out of his suit.
leave me alone."
you don't need this information I won't bother you. I suppose there is
someone else on the station who might find facts on Cardassian sexuality
and courtship practices more useful." Quark turned his back on Julian and
began walking away. Julian's hand shot out reflexively and grabbed a hold
of the short bartender. Quark was swiftly pulled back into Julian's quarters.
you get this?" he asked. "Why didn't you tell me this before?"
found it. I have my contacts and I thought that this might be worth something
the padd away from him and pressed his palm against Julian's chest as he
tried to reach it.
Quark said and wiggled his finger at him. "How much is this worth to you?
I am sure you might find it useful in the infirmary as well.... You see,
there is more information than simply on sexuality here. It is a complete
database about Cardassian medical problems and their physiology and some
cultural information as well... How much might that be worth to you? Another
two bars of latinum perhaps?"
at Quark. This greedy Ferengi was going to make him utterly and totally
broke if he kept this up.
of gold pressed latinum!" Julian said.
"I am afraid
that the price on this item is non-negotiable... " Quark said. "It's two
bars or no deal."
thought. That vicious little Ferengi had seen the other two bars he had
in his cupboard when he handed him the other latinum. Julian frowned. Okay.
He had been prepared to use all his money on the information Quark had
to give him, so he supposed this was worth it too.
you have a deal."
later Quark left Julian's quarters, humming happily while Julian walked
into his quarters with the padd in his hands. Now that he had it, he really
didn't know what to do with it. Would he read it through and try to court
Garak in a Cardassian manner or would he avoid reading it? Did he really
want to know all there was to know about Garak right away - or did he want
to learn all about Garak and his sexuality - with Garak?
no, Julian thought. He admitted that he would love to explore this with
Garak, but he also wanted to know what he was getting himself into.
both feet into so many things before, only to end up in trouble or ending
up hurt. I want this to be right. I don't want to misunderstand Garak in
any way. So... I'd better read this before I set my plans in motion.
the padd and the image of a naked Cardassian male displayed on the monitor.
of Garak standing naked before him made Julian's heart beat faster and
once again he felt the stirrings of arousal. The simplest thought of the
tailor could make him hard these days. A slight hope played in his chest,
as he replayed Quark's information. Was this Ricardo Berlioz only a ruse?
Was Garak putting up a show, for his benefit?
Garak... you didn't have to..."
he had after all? If Julian was to be honest with himself he might never
have had the guts to admit the truth to himself if he hadn't become so
insanely jealous of this Ricardo person. He returned his gaze to the padd
and shook away the thoughts. If Garak was only half as beautiful as the
man portrayed there, he would have nothing - nothing at all, to be ashamed
of. But Julian didn't really care about the way Garak looked. What he wanted
to know was if they were... compatible so to speak. If Garak's way of having
sex was so monumentally different from his own that they wouldn't be a
good match in any way. But as he kept reading he realized he had been worrying
have known, he thought to himself.
that Bajorans and Humans were very much alike physically, and that Bajorans
and Cardassians could mate without problem. Ziyal had been the perfect
evidence of that. Julian heaved a deep sigh of relief and decided to forego
the physicalities. All he needed to know was right there. Garak would not
hurt him if they wanted to be together, that was all he really needed to
So he pressed
a few buttons and got more information on the screen. The only thing he
really knew was that fighting and arguing was often considered flirting
for Cardassians. Suddenly images of Garak spouting fire at him at the bridge
of the Defiant almost a year ago came before him. Similar incidents replayed
in his mind and now, for the first time he realized that maybe Garak had
been trying to tell him something, but as usual he was totally oblivious
to subtext and underlying tensions. After so many years of knowing Garak
he still saw only the superficial sometimes. That Garak was insulting him,
trying to hurt him. And he tried to defend himself, getting really hurt
by what Garak said.
should I have reacted? Julian thought. If Garak came on to me again by
insulting me, how should I react? Or if I try to insult Garak, how will
I know if he's interested in me? How will he react if we're flirting the
Cardassian way? Julian scrolled down the text. It appeared that the information
he had in his hands was part of a medical interspecies encyclopedia a Vulcan
had been working on for several years. It contained more information about
Cardassian diseases, cultural habits, sexual preferences and social behaviors
than anything else that Julian had seen since he joined Starfleet. He started
reading and finally he came to a paragraph that gave him the insight he
so desperately craved.
mating rituals are aggressive and would be misunderstood by most species
in the Alpha Quadrant. When aroused or attracted to another, Cardassians
argue vehemently and the subtleties behind the interplay might be very
difficult to comprehend for a non-Cardassian.
information gathered it is evident that the aggressor, the one initiating
the mating, whether it is a male or a female, has to be brutal in their
insults and keep the insults to the person he or she is interested in.
If directed at others in the person's family it will not be viewed as an
introduction to mating.
to a Cardassian's flirting there is a number of ways to respond. If the
subject being pursued is interested in turn he or she has to make this
clear by not responding to the insults by defending themselves or getting
they should get back at the aggressor with equal passion and equally strong
insults directed at the potential mate. This way, both know that the attraction
If the attraction
is not mutual however...)
Julian thought. I never reacted the right way. I always started defending
myself instead of responding the way Garak wanted me to. I wonder if he
realized that I had no idea. Did he think that just because I am a doctor
I would know more about Cardassians than most? Did he think I turned him
down? Is that why he pulled away from me? Well I did turn him down, didn't
I? But I didn't know that was what I was doing!
to rectify this though. How would he start this? Would he just go over
to the Cardassian and start insulting him? Wouldn't he laugh if he did
that? Or would he start crying? Insulting Garak was the last thing he felt
like doing right now. He wanted to fall on his hands and knees and beg
his forgiveness for being such an idiot. But if he wanted to do this right
he had to walk over to Garak and insult the tailor - big time, as Jake
would have put it.
How about physical contact or physical proximity? Was he supposed to stand
far away or come close to the Cardassian? Was he supposed to touch him
in any way or keep his hands off him? Oh, Gods, no matter how much I read
I will never get the hang of this! Julian rose from the couch and made
a decision. He would have a good nights sleep now and tomorrow he would
seek out the tailor. After being on call with the influenza patients, tomorrow
was another day off for him. For once he was going to make use of it. Normally
he wouldn't bother, especially not after having been off duty so recently.
Now, however, he had things to attend to...
like a schoolboy on his first date, Julian made his way to Garak's shop,
and entered with shaky legs. There he was, standing behind the counter,
working with some padd. He looked like he was deep in thought and didn't
even lift his head as Julian came inside.
a sorry excuse for a friend!" Julian burst out nearly before he entered
the shop. Garak looked up, baffled and then opened his mouth to respond,
but Julian wanted to make sure that Garak knew exactly what was going on
before allowing him to reply. "You damn Cardassian, with your poor sense
of loyalty! I should have known that a man like you could never be trusted
in any way, shape or form."
for a brief moment. Would Garak really interpret that as an insult? Gods,
why hadn't he prepared himself for this better? What would Garak really
find insulting? What would bruise his ego? Julian quickly drew another
breath before he continued, and interrupted Garak once more before he had
the chance to say anything. Garak seemed a little flustered, as if he was
indeed beginning to grow irritated. Good!
sloppy and unintelligent!"
how unimaginative. He had to come up with something more interesting than
that or they would both start laughing.
Doctor," Garak's eyes were shining with amusement and a slight curiosity.
"If you're trying to... insult me, you must be able to do better than that?"
aren't fit for a tailor's boutique, they should be on the sale's rack of
a Bajoran clothier's shop."
blue eyes flashed with the first hint of anger. "Julian, you little schoolboy,
you wouldn't know good clothing if it jumped up and bit you in the face!"
would? Look at that. That tunic looks like something only a colorblind
Klingon would wear!" Julian said and pointed at the clothes Garak was wearing,
all the while he moved closer to his friend. Now he was getting warmed
up and he knew exactly how to get Garak so angry and aroused he would lose
first time a true hint of understanding showed in Garak's eyes and Julian's
breathing quickened. He had never thought such a stupid thing as this would
make him aroused, but when he saw the desire awaken in Garak's sky blue
eyes, blood coursed through his veins in a heightened pace and his mouth
dried up. He stared Garak straight into the eyes and the tailor burst into
another stream of words.
you have no idea what you are talking about," he spat. "You're so naive
and your taste in clothes leaves a lot to be desired!" The words may not
have been much of an insult but the way they were presented made Julian
feel worthless at the same time as Garak's reaction made him want to sing
with joy. Garak made no attempt to try and defend himself, instead he responded
with insults in turn. They were thrown at Julian in rapid succession and
tinged with a lot more venom than he could manage.
longer stood behind the counter but gracefully moved closer to him. The
tailor pushed a finger into Julian chest, so firmly that he nearly winced.
"That color does absolutely nothing for your eyes! I can not fathom how
you can wear such a dreadful garment!" Julian could hardly breathe when
Garak came so close to him he had to lower his head slightly to look into
his eyes. It was the first time ever he realized that the tailor was actually
an inch or so shorter than himself. He had never noticed before. Garak
always held so much power and seemed so - larger than life, that the realization
made him lose momentum. "In fact, Doctor. You need help!"
whom?" Julian spat and he smiled wickedly at Garak. "A tailor whose shop
is in desperate need of a new stock of clothing?"
you naive little human. I can not take insults about clothing seriously
from a man who wears that drab Starfleet uniform to work every day..."
he had to change the subject or this would fall flat to the ground. "I
may be naive Garak, but I am not stupid!" Shit! Julian thought. I am now
defending myself. I wasn't supposed to do that. "I have to be clever to
be able to outwit an Obsidian Order agent!"
Garak said with an appalled look on his face, but then he caught himself
and a wicked gleam came to his eyes. "Your highly evolved *Vulcan* mind
would never be considered unintelligent!"
I can assure you, Elim Garak, that I am in no way like an unfeeling Vulcan,
I have such emotions that you wouldn't know what to do with me if I flung
myself around you neck! You're not man enough for me Garak, in or out of
For a moment
Garak lost his ability to speak, that much was obvious. Then his eyes turned
from a dark sky blue to black as his pupils widened enough to almost swallow
all the blue. Julian bit his lip silently. Had he gone too far? Had he
misunderstood Garak? Then all of the sudden he found himself pushed up
against the wall.
enough for you, hm?" Garak hissed. "And where did you get that ridiculous
idea? I don't think you have any notion of what I could do to you if I
sneered, trying to keep his voice from trembling. Feeling Garak's body
press into him made his head spin. The Cardassian was definitely as enthusiastic
as he was. The hardness pressing into his own showed that with all the
necessary clarity. The pheromones the tailor released into the air were
also evidence to that. It was a heady scent that went straight to Julian's
gut. "You're all talk Garak, so eloquent. Always flirting, always twisting
words, but when it comes to action you still have a lot to prove!"
have any idea what you are asking for, my precious little human?" Garak
growled. "Do you want me? Are you sure about this? Because if we go any
further there will be no turning back, Julian." The taunting tone in Garak's
voice was gone, and was lowered an octave or two into something reminiscent
of a purr.
through insulting each other, Garak?" Julian whispered huskily and stared
into those eyes, now only a thin ring of blue encircling the irises of
the Cardassian's eyes. "Because if we are I am rather eager to see what
comes next..." Then he lifted his hands and drove them through the tailor's
hair pulling him closer. Garak resisted for a moment as if seeking assurance
in Julian's eyes. Garak's warm breath brushed against his face, his lips
and it sent tingling sensations through Julian's entire body. He pulled
at Garak some more and finally the Cardassian moved his head closer and
their lips brushed against each other. First Garak's mouth against his
was so light it almost wasn't there, but when Julian sucked in his breath
in anticipation Garak gave in. When their lips finally met for the first
time Julian moaned aloud. Blood rushed to his groin and he knew he was
hard as steel. He had been aroused and wanted someone before, but not like
this. He felt as if Garak's mouth was a well of crystal clear water and
he was dying from thirst.
Garak!" he groaned as he pulled back to gasp for air. "Damn you, why didn't
you just tell me. I've wanted you for so long!"
respond, instead he pulled Julian's lithe body to his and kissed him again.
Their tongues met and Julian knew nothing but the sweet, spicy taste of
Garak's insistent, probing kisses. They kept kissing, quick probing kisses
at first, but they grew deeper for each minute that passed by. They turned
wet, openmouthed and hungry. Soon they were both breathing hard and moaning.
Finally Garak pulled away. Julian tried to steady his gaze on his friend,
and hastily pulled him back into his arms. Garak resisted for a fraction
of a second, but then they kept kissing. Julian pulled Garak closer, running
his hands insistently up and down the strong shoulders and back. He didn't
want to let go, he couldn't let go. He wanted Garak too much. He had waited
for far too long. Then his hands traveled further down and squeezed Garak's
buttocks, drawing him closer so their erections pushed together. Garak
hissed, but yet again the tailor pulled away, smiling at the younger man's
moan of protest. Julian felt dizzy and had to force his eyes open. The
smoldering passion in Garak's eyes was as strong as the one he felt, and
he reveled in that fact.
Garak whispered. "We have to go somewhere else. We can't do this in my
shop, however much I would just want to forget where we are and make love
to you right here and now. But I want to be able to touch you and caress
you properly. This is not the place for that."
wickedly. Oh yes, he had almost forgotten. He was happy that he had made
preparations, not allowing himself to think about what would have happened
if Garak had turned him down.
to my quarters then..." he whispered huskily.
first, Julian and I'll come later," Garak said.
shook his head. "Why, Garak?"
want you to get into trouble because of me and if we go together now, everyone
closer once more and stared into Garak's eyes. "I don't care about that.
They all know how we feel about each other already. It seems they knew
before we did. So, let's go... "
another problem..." Garak smiled.
know, if we go like this they will surely know..." Julian looked down on
himself. He was impossibly hard. His pants looked like they were going
to break at the seams. The tailor was in a similar condition and his short
tunic did nothing to hide that fact.
are we going to do about it?" Julian asked huskily. "We can't walk back
to my quarters like this, and this place is not the right place to remedy
our mutual problem I guess."
admitted with a sheepish smile that sent waves of desire through Julian.
"It seems we will have to wait, and try to calm down..."
his lips and looked at Garak. "I'm not sure I can. Gods, Garak, I want
you so much. Just looking at you, knowing you feel the same way is enough
to keep me hard all day long..."
get an emergency transport to your quarters without rousing too much suspicion?"
Garak said huskily. "Because if you talk like that I'm afraid we are really
going to embarrass ourselves right here and now."
eyes had darkened another notch and his breathing grew more ragged. Once
more they found themselves in a passionate kiss, not being able to resist
the temptation. This time Julian came to his senses and pulled away.
unsteadily. "Okay, it seems an emergency transport is our only option.
What are we going to say? The only one who could do that for us would be
Kira or the Chief, and we'd have to ask her to do it over the comm channel.
The news would be all over the station before we knew it."
you are absolutely right, Julian, but then again, you said you didn't care
about that." Garak said and walked closer again. "So, it seems this is
the only viable solution."
and pressed his comm badge. "Dr. Bashir to Colonel Kira."
Kira here, what can I do for you, Doctor? Aren't you off duty today?"
I ... ah... have a slight problem. I would very much appreciate it if you
could arrange a site-to-site transport for me..."
as Garak walked over to the door to the shop and closed it.
transport? What for? Is there an emergency? Do you need assistance?" It
was Captain Sisko's voice.
It is of a ... personal nature. I need this as a personal favor. Would
that be all right? I know it is against regulations, but I would very much
appreciate it right now."
Doctor, as long as it doesn't become a habit," the captain agreed.
you want me to transport you?" Kira asked.
you to transport me and... Garak to my quarters please."
me and Garak."
right. Stand by," came the breathless response.
both materialized in his quarters, Julian's heart was thudding violently
in his chest. He couldn't believe how well this had worked out. He watched
Garak as he shook himself out of the momentary disorientation that always
followed transport. As the older man came back to himself the azure blue
eyes sparkled full of lust towards him.
he whispered, and took a step forward. Julian didn't hesitate. He walked
straight into the tailor's arms and they picked up where they left off.
Moments after they materialized they were locked in tight embrace kissing
urgently. Julian chuckled softly when Garak tore his shirt off him, buttons
scattering through the room, the cloth in shreds as it fell to the floor.
Other items of their clothing were dropped behind them as they made their
way back into Julian's bedroom and the bed there.
hands were all over Julian, slightly warmer than his skin, and he leaned
his head back as Garak buried his face in the crook of his neck and kissed
him there. The tailor's mouth and lips were so hot and moist against his
skin. Spikes of unbelievable pleasure traveled through his body and settled
in his groin. Garak was driving him insane with his mouth and his hands.
he moaned. "Oh, Elim."
Garak's caresses grew more insistent and he tugged impatiently on Julian's
remaining clothing, ridding him of the last items in hurried movements.
Soon they were both naked before each other. Julian took in the sight of
the Cardassian with a hunger burning inside him. He wanted to have time
to explore Garak, but the need inside him was too great and he relented
immediately when Garak pushed him down on the bed, kissing him hungrily,
thrusting his tongue deep into his mouth. Julian pulled back and gasped
for air and threw his head back as he felt the tailor's warm body cover
his. Their erections were caught between them and the movements of their
hips were exquisite torture.
years, I've longed for this, Julian thought as Garak moved those warm hands
all over his body. Julian threw his arms and legs around his lover's waist
and shoulders and moaned in abandon as their movements became more frantic.
The feel of scales and ridges against his smooth skin was enticing. The
sensation of the muscles on Garak's back rippling under his hands was intoxicating.
And the smooth shaft of Garak's erection rubbing into his own was swiftly
sending Julian into a frenzy of lust.
Elim," he moaned just wanting to say his lover's name aloud as the desire
grew inside him. Garak was uncharacteristically quiet and Julian forced
his eyes open to look at Garak.
face was flushed but his eyes shut tight, as if he was forcing himself
not to show his feelings, still trying to keep a wall between them. Julian
would have none of it. He drove his hands through Garak's hair, pulling
at it none-too-gently.
he whispered coarsely. The tailor didn't react. He pulled harder, "Garak
- Elim, look at me!" he insisted, trying to hold still underneath the tailor's
enticing caresses that hadn't relented for a second. Finally Garak did
as he pleaded.
the moment felt so real. The knowledge that this was really happening crashed
down on Julian and his breath caught in his throat. He drew a deep breath,
still staring into the blue depths of his lover's eyes.
he whispered once again. "Garak, look at me. Trust me... let go."
a sudden flicker of something in Garak's eyes, but then it was gone. Julian
pulled Garak's head down to his and kissed him tenderly. "Garak, I love
you. I've loved you for so long. Show me you love me back, as I know you
do. Let go... please, just let go."
the feelings were there for Julian to see, and the impact of them was so
strong, so immediate that tears rose in his eyes. He pulled Garak down
for another kiss and this time it was warm and tender, and their movements
resumed. The passion flared inside Julian instantly.
he whispered. "Elim, I'm coming. Oh gods, I'm coming!"
And he did.
The orgasm swallowed him. His entire mind was concentrated on the wonderful
feelings Garak's body against his was producing. As the orgasm subsided
he realized that Garak had joined him, their bodies sticky with the evidence
of their pleasure.
Garak whispered. "Oh Julian, I had no idea. Why haven't you ever said anything?"
for the same reason you never did. To be honest, I don't think I truly
admitted it to myself until I saw you with that Ricardo person... I was
so insanely jealous..."
his head and looked into his eyes. "You mean that it actually worked?"
and chuckled softly. "Tell me when one of your schemes didn't work..."
eyes sparkled with mischief. "Julian, one day I might tell you. For now
I will let you keep the misguided notion that my abilities are flawless."
contentedly. Soon he would drag his newfound love to the shower with him,
but for the moment he was content lying there with Garak in his arms. Content
and happier than he could remember ever being.
the beginning of something new, and his life would change forever. It was
the end of the fears and an end to the lies.... Well, maybe not an end
to the lies, he grinned to himself. He had to remember just whom he had
fallen in love with after all...
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