Duarto's House Of Hair
By J.A. Chapman

No sex,  just strong language and a lot of finger snapping.

Disclaimer: All of the characters herein are the property of Paramount
with the exception of most of them. This story is a blatant companion
piece to Olivia Montieth's Truth or Dare, and was written with her
approval as this is her agreed upon cheap birthday present. The
characters of Bubba, M'rk, S'tv, and the conspicuously absent Duarto
belong to me and are based on real friends of mine and the gossip, uh,
conversations, we've shared-as such thank you Michael, Gary, Gerald, and
George. The character of Fred is also mine and is based in part of a
certain ASCEM celebrity and a few other people I know back on Earth.
Hmmm, I wonder who that could be? Near Beer anyone?

(EDITOR'S NOTE: This story is being posted as a companion piece to this
issue's main challenge.  Besides, it's gut-bustingly funny.)

     "Oh, puh-leeze! Who didn't know that was coming?"

     "Well, apparrently, he didn't. I heard Joe Bob ran off with some
Klingon and they bought a condo near Risa."

     The dark haired Bajoran chuckled a bit under his breath, "A
Klingon? I hope ol' Joe Bob packed some heating pads and a dermal
regenerator when he left."

     "I hear that Klingons have two of every...organ in their bodies."
the fairer man snickered.

     "Every organ?" his companion's eyebrows shot up, "Imagine the

     "That and the pain sticks-ouch!" S'tv grinned toothily.

     "Oh you Slut!" M'rk slapped his arm playfully, "Heh-heh, kind of
makes you give Cmdr. Worf a second look,doesn't it?"

     "Forget him!" S'tv scoffed, "Martok's my guy. Ooh, I just love a
man with that lived in look, if you know what I mean."

     "You are so bad," M'rk chuckled.

     "Hi, fella's," the small round Bolean said as he entered the shop,
closing the door behind him.

     "Hi Bubba," M'rk said soberly, "How are you doing?"

     "Oh, that!" he scoffed, before pulling a purple smock out of a
drawer with the words 'Duarto's House of Hair' emblazoned across it in
gold, "Joe Bob and I were over a long time ago. I'm really happy for
them both. Rik is a wonderful guy...for a Klingon."

     "Are you serious?" S'tv asked disbelievingly before M'rk jabbed him
with a sharp elbow, "Watch it," he hissed then added in a lower

     "I'm fine," Bubba shrugged happily, "After all, I do have Herman."

     "Well, you look great!" M'rk smiled widely.

     "You think?" the Bolean preened as he did a small half turn, "I
bought it at Charis' yesterday."

     M'rk made a show of admiring the blue and white linen pantsuit, "I
love it, it really sets your skin off nicely."

     "I thought so," Bubba agreed before walking over to the appointment

     "Someone's been binging again, I swear he's gaining back all of the
weight," S'tv whispered lowly.

     "It's the outfit," M'rk returned softly, "It makes his ass look

     "Or maybe Ol' Herm's just that good?" he smirked.

     "You're bad!" M'rk swatted him.

     "Where's Duarto?" Bubba asked from across the room.

     "Oh, he and that woman are visiting her parents on Bajor." M'rk
said stiffly.

     "That woman?" S'tv chuckled, "You mean, his wife?"

     "Fuck off S'tv!" Bubba said as he walked back over, "Can't you see
you're upsetting him?"

     "I'm not upset!" M'rk insisted, "I certainly don't care if Duarto
wants to throw his life away on some little piece of bleach blonde
trash. I mean, we're just friends, nothing more-never have been," the
Bolean and the Barjoran exchanged quick disbelieving glances, "Don't
look like that-honestly! So he married the little tramp-so what? I'm not
bitter," he shrugged, "If he wants to spend the rest of his life in a
closet, that's his business."

     "Well, I guess that means I'm the only one here getting laid on a
regular basis-other than Duarto, of course," S'tv said smugly despite
the murderous glares of his companions, "Lt. Weinstock and I are
gloriously happy-in fact, I think he's on the verge of asking me to move
in with him."

     "I'm so glad you and Hiney are getting along so well," M'rk smiled

     "Hymie and I," he glared, "are getting along wonderfully, thank

     "Time to open!" Bubba chirped up happily, "And the first customer
is..." he checked the book, "Fred."

     "Oh shit!" S'tv groaned.

     "Oh yes!" M'rk smiled maliciously as Bubba opened the door,
"Pedicure anyone?"

     "Prophet's, I hate doing his feet!" he groaned, "They smell worse
than Morn's breath at happy hour."

     "Tough!" M'rk said sticking his tongue out defiantly.

     "No thank you Sister-Girl!" he said with a head toss and a snap, "I
know where that's been."


     "Hey, cool it!" Bubba interrupted, "Put on your work faces boys,
it's time to act like professionals." Just then, a tall alien with long
shaggy hair all over his body came through the door. His only apparrel
was a loincloth and a baseball cap that said 'Doggy Stylin', "Morning,

     "Yo," the shaggy alien replied, "Hey Sneeze."

     "S'tv," the Bajoran corrected stiffly.

     "Whatever. I got something growing under my big toenail-check it
out will ya?"

     "Gloves?" M'rk asked holding out a pair.

     "I will pay you to take this client," S'tv hissed, " I will clean
your quarters for a month-anything! Just please don't make me touch his
stank-ass feet."

     "Enjoy," he smiled walking away.

     S'tv glared murderously for a second before turning back to the
alien, "Have a seat."

     Fred  plopped down gracelessly, "Oh, and my crotch has been itching
lately-any chance of getting a bikini wax?" at S'tv's silent stare the
creature added, "The constable won't let me go au naturel and this
loincloth gets pretty hot. The boys gotta breathe, ya know?" he grinned

     "I'm in hell," the man muttered to himself before taking out a
large file.

     "Hey, not to short this time," he growled, "I use those to pick the
corn out of my teeth."


     "Who's my first victom?" M'rk asked walking over to Bubba.

     "Garak," the Bolean grinned.

     "Today is looking up," M'rk's smile broadened.

     "I don't see how you two can get so worked up over a Cardassian,"
S'tv bitched.

     "The man is sexy, that's why!" Bubba snorted, "Those eyes, that

     "That body!" M'rk added laciviously, "Cardassian or not, that man
is a gift sent from gay heaven!"

     "He might be straight," S'tv said truculently.

     "Oh puh-leeze!" M'rk burst out.

     "He is gay!" Bubba exclaimed, "No man with that much style can
possibly be straight!"

     M'rk nodded, "Besides, he's always hanging around Dr. Bashir, I
mean, how obvious is that little arrangement, hmmm?"

     "The Doctor is straight!" S'tv insisted.

     "He looks too damn pretty to be straight," M'rk scoffed.

     "He does look good in a teddy," the hairy alien agreed. Silence
ensued, "Well, he does."

     "I don't even want to know," S'tv said getting back to the arduous
task before him, "Besides, I think Dr. Bashir is much sexier than

     "So says the man who thinks Martok's cute," he shuddered, "Rugged
good looks my ass! He not only looks lived in, he looks borrowed,
rented, and put on layaway."

     "That was so lame," Bubba said before sighing, "but he does have a
point-Bashir is a total stud muffin."

     "Try cream puff," M'rk said primping in the mirror, "He's so damn
niave he wouldn't know what to do with Garak even if he had him. Mr.
Garak needs someone who's been around the block a few times to keep him

     "Well, you have been around the block a few times," the other
Bajoran agreed, "Hell, you've been around that block so many times the
streets are named after you," he paused, "the street corners, anyway."

     "Bitch," M'rk lisped, "You can go bite my ass, S'tv, I happen to
think that man is hot!"

     "Whatever," he said rolling his eyes.

     "Well get ready to burn boys, here he comes," Bubba said looking
across the promenade to the advancing figure, "Hello Garak," he greeted.

     "Gentlemen," the Cardassian nodded in greeting.

     "Over here Garak," M'rk smiled widely, "What can I do for you

     "Talk about a loaded question," S'tv snickered under his breath.

     "Just my usual cut, thank you." he said sitting down.

     "Oh, come on Garak!" M'rk said brightly, "Aren't you in the mood
for something different?" At S'tv's poorly concealed laughter his smile
dimmed slightly, "I mean, with your hair. Nothing too radical, just a
bodywave and a rinse?"

     "Just a trim," he said shaking his head.

     M'rk sighed as he placed a smock over Garak's shoulders, "One of
these days Garak, I will have my way with you."

     "Wishful thinking," S'tv snickered lowly.

     "So, Garak," Bubba cut in deflecting the look of pure venom M'rk
aimed toward S'tv, "What's new on your side of the promenade?"

     "I'm having a sale on Vulcan silks," he replied as M'rk leaned he
chair back and began to scrub his scalp, "and I have some very
interesting designs from the Pliedes sector."

     "I really should take Hymie shopping," S'tv sighed, "I really do
love him but he has no taste."

     "Suprized anyone? No, I didn't think so," M'rk said in a sing-song

     "Look, M'rk..." the fair Bajoran man began angrily.

     "Mr. Garak," Bubba said jumping in, "did you hear what happened at
Quark's last night?"

     "No, I haven't," he said appearing interested.

     "Well, I heard that Constable Odo was hanging around Quark's bar
when some Corbite trader started hitting on Major Kira. The word is that
he walked over and sent the guy packing. Major Kira got up out of her
chair and cussed him up and down saying that she could damn well take
care of herself and didn't he have better things to do with his time
than hang around her," the Bolean smirked, "I thought Odo was going to
totally lose it but he just agreed with her and walked off."

     "I saw that," Fred said, "Man, that Kira oughta get laid or
something. She's been a total bitch lately."

     "Oh, please!" S'tv scoffed, "She sees more action than the front
lines, it's Odo that's in need-she just needs a midol."

     "That's probably it," Fred said thoughtfully, "Although when I
suggested that to her she got kinda pissed."

     Bubba rolled his eyes before speaking, "Well, I think there's
something going on between those two. They've been at each other's
throats for months."

     "I don't think it's her throat Odo's after," M'rk chuckled.

     Bubba turned to the Cardassian, "You and he are friendly Garak,
what do you think?"

     "I wouldn't go so far as to say we were friendly, but...there do
appear to be some heated emotions there," he replied thoughtfully.

     "Heated emotions?" M'rk snorted, "Try hot, raging hormones! The
girl is in need."

     "She's crazy not to go after the man," S'tv leered, "Talk about
mastering the possibilities-with that shapeshifter in her bed she could
throw away the batteries for good!"

     "Let's not get too graphic, please," Garak winced, "As it is I may
never be able to look the Major in the face again."

     "Who cares about her face?" the hairy alien leered.

     "You're a pervert, Fred," S'tv glared at him.

     "Sure am," he agreed cheerfully, "Only it's fur-vert, thank you."

     "Hello," came a voice at the door, "Got room for a walk-in?"

     "Doctor," Garak greeted as M'rk snipped at his hair, "I didn't know
you came here."

     "I don't usually," he shrugged as Bubba led him over to a chair and
draped a smock over him, "It's just that my regular barber was busy and
I'm on a rather tight schedule today."

     "Thank Gods," Bubba tsked, "The man is a butcher and these split
ends! I'm going to have to give you a protein pack."

     "Don't go to any trouble, please," the Doctor insisted, "I just
wanted a trim."

     "Trouble?" the Bolean scoffed,"after what you did for my cousin,
Jer`i, it's no trouble at all."

     "What happened to Jer`i?" M'rk asked.

     "I'm really not allowed to discuss my patients," the Doctor

     "I am," Bubba chuckled, "She and her boyfriend got a little
adventurous one night and..."

     "I really don't think we should be discussing this," the Doctor

     "Sez you-go on Bubba," S'tv urged.

     "Anyway there were these duranium handcuffs somebody got from
station security and..."

     "What do you have planned for lunch today, Doctor?" Garak cut in.

     "Nothing much. To tell you the truth I'll be lucky to catch a
sandwich at my desk."

     "Dinner then, I understand they've just opened a new restaurant
that serves Earth food."

     "Sounds great. I'll meet you at 19:30 hours, then." he smiled.

     "Perfect," the tailor said as M'rk began to blow dry his hair.

     "Are you sure you won't have the protein pack?" Bubba asked as he
began to snip away.

     "No time today, I'm afraid," he smiled politely.

     "How's Chief O'Brien?" Garak asked suddenly, "I haven't seen him in

     "He's visiting Keiko on Bajor," Julian said, "It's the first time
they've been together in months."

     "Hey, thanks!" the hairy alien said as he wiggled his toes, "Now
how about that bikini wax?"

     "Unfortunately, I have another appointment-sorry." S'tv said, not
sorry at all, "Try for another time-say Tuesday."

     "You're off Tuesday's," Bubba frowned.

     "I know," the Bajoran said through gritted teeth.

     "Oh, but you enjoy helping Fred so much!" M'rk smiled sweetly, "We
wouldn't want to steal away your favorite client, now would we Bubba?"

     "Oh no," the Bolean's smiled widened, "In fact, I think S'tv has an
opening at noon tommorrow."

     "Actually, he has several openings, it's just a matter of finding
one that's not filled at the moment," M'rk grinned evilly as he walked
over to the appointment calender, "Why, yes! He has a small opening at
09:00--which is unusual for him."

     "Especially with those hips," Bubba said under breath causing the
Doctor to choke slightly.

     "Shall I pencil you in?"

     "Sure, see ya Sneeze! Oh, and Doc?" the alien paused.

     "Fred," the Doctor acknowleged reluctantly.

     "I hope you didn't catch a cold from the other night," he waved,
"You must have been freezing--either that or you might want to switch to
boxers. It might help loosen things up down there, y'know?"

     "Bye Fred," the Doctor said coolly.

     "Bye," the alien smiled, "Oh, and I was just kidding about the
whole prostitution thing-honest."

     "Leave Fred," Bashir gritted out over Garak's soft chuckles.

     As the hairy alien left Bubba looked around in confusion, "What was
that all about?"

     "Nothing," the Doctor said quickly.

     "The good Constable might not be so quick to agree Doctor," Garak
said his eyes bright with humor.

     "Okay, dish!" Bubba insisted as he brushed the last of the hair
off  the Doctor's shoulders.

     "It's nothing," Julian said getting up and turning to the Bolean,
"How much do I owe you?"

     "It's on the house," he said waving him off.

     "I'll walk you out, Doctor," Garak said rising as well.

     The three men watched in interest as the Doctor and the Tailor
walked away, heads close as they talked in low, feverent whispers.

     "Ummm Hmmm!" Bubba said crossing his arms, "tell me there's not
something going on there."

     "I still say Bashir's straight," S'tv insisted, "I mean, he dated
Leeta for Prophet's sake!"

     "Anybody could have Leeta!" M'rk snorted, "Hell, Rom had Leeta!"

     "Um, um, um-and you know that had to hurt, gay or not," Bubba
tsked,"Dumped for a Ferengi-no wonder the boy went queer."

     "And what was it Fred said about a teddy?" M'rk asked roundly,
"Maybe the good Doctor's not so niave after all."

     "No, just way twisted," Bubba laughed.

     "So speaks the man with more leather than a Xena re-run!" M'rk

     "Well, one does want to project a bit of mystery now and again," he
fluttered his lashes coyly.

     "Sorry, Honey, but that cat's been out of the halter top for
years!" the Bajoran returned.

     "Who's next?" M'rk asked sweeping the floor.

     "Dax," S'tv grinned looking up from the appointment book, "Talk
about an interesting sex life!"

     "I personally don't see the appeal of a Klingon," Bubba said
sourly, "I mean, other than the deep voices, rippling muscles, and
incredible sex drive what else is there?"

     "A pleasure induced coma for one!" M'rk gave him a disbelieving
glance, "I thought you said you were over Joe Bob?"

     "I am," the Bolean shrugged, "I'm just bitter,okay?"

     "'Nuff said," S'tv smirked, "I do sometimes wonder though what Dax
thinks about when she's in bed with Worf-I mean, I've heard stories
about Curzon. The man was a walking, talking orgy!"

     "I mean, what is she thinking?" M'rk wondered aloud, " 'I've seen
bigger-Hell, I've been bigger'."

     "What I want to know, is who wears the pants in that little
family?" Bubba asked.

     "Maybe they take turns, after all-this is the mechanical age and it
would explain all those prune juices," S'tv replied archly.

     "You go Girl!" Bubba snapped his fingers, "Oh wait, here she comes.
Take notes boys, after all, she has seven lifetimes under her belt!"

     "And under everyone else's belt as well,"S'tv chuckled, "Who knows
M'rk, maybe she'll share a few tricks that can even get you laid."

     "Well, Prophet's know, you've turned enough tricks not to need the
extra study time, right Dearie?" M'rk said with a saccharrine edge.



     "Cool it Kids! Here she comes," Bubba smiled, "I don't know about
you, but I've got a feeling that today is starting to look up!"

The End?

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